750 Words: waking up


This is the raw thought process that resulted in the post “Swimming in Glue”.  It was written in January right before that post.

I don’t know when I was here last, I’m going to have to look. I know my writing came to a screeching halt around 3 or 4 years ago for some reason. I don’t know if it was because of medication I was taking or if that’s just how my illness was manifesting or what, but it’s like my brain’s been made of glue, and it’s finally coming off. This ‘glue’ has been surrounding me ever since I first got diagnosed as bipolar nearly 7 years ago. Since then I’ve been on a wide variety of drugs. I started with lithium and trazodone. They kept jacking up my trazodone dosage so I could sleep, but that made the big muscles in my legs twitch terribly. So I had to quit taking that. It would be another couple of years before I could convince my shrink to let me take Ambien for sleep, and another year or two after that before he would give me a full 30 day scrip. Before then I had to choose between insomnia and anxiety any given night of the month.

I was on the lithium, unfortunately, for far longer. That stuff practically made me feel disembodied. I was on it for months before I recognized the toxicity signs, like hand tremors. So I finally got off that and started taking Lamictal. It has a negligible, if any, effect, so sometimes I wonder why I take it. I’m considering experimenting for a month without it to see how I feel. The last time I was off of it for any length of time was back in November, I think. I ran out and just didn’t get it refilled for a couple of weeks. Frankly, I didn’t notice any difference, which makes me wonder if I need to be taking it. If I got off it, I would just be taking the Valium and Ambien, with an occasional Haldol when I have a bad monkey mind day. Which I’m betting I can control to a certain extent if I just start meditating again, which I’m probably going to do. Focus and concentration are required for successful meditation, and those are two things I just haven’t had for a few years now. Now if I can just get my memory to return. sigh

It’s nice to be writing again, in any case. It’s nice to have something in my head to write about. I’ve just been empty between the ears for a long time now. Just, nothing going on upstairs. That’s why I’ve filled my time reading Facebook and watching tv and movies. I was just filling and killing time. I still read Facebook, but I’m more selective about what I read and post. I just added almost sixty people to my friend list in an effort to get more content and more feedback. We’ll see if it works. I suspect I’ll wind up doing what Shannon is doing right now, which is culling all of the people that SHE added to her list in the last year just on the basis of having friends in common, which is what I did. How many of those people actually go on to interact with me is another question. I’ll go over my list in a few months or so and see who I’ve interacted with the most and boot the rest. I’m not trying to have a big friends list just for the sake of having a lot of friends. I’d rather get more and better feedback from fewer people than have a giant list of people that just ignore me.

I started a new blog and a new Twitter feed to go with it: The Bipolar Bodhisattva. With a Gmail address to match. I like it when I don’t have to struggle to come up with a username. This one just kind of popped in my head when I was reading about the bodhisattva on Wikipedia the other night. I heavily identify with the bodhisattva and bodhicitta, along with other things. They really resonate with me. Plus, it’s catchy. So now there’s the new blog, a Facebook group to promote it, and a Twitter feed to go with it all. I’m having fun adding ‘people’ to my Twitter list. After I’m done following people, I’ll go through my WordPress blog and repost some of the better ones from my past. I was re-reading some of my posts, and it’s not bad stuff. I keep having fantasies of gaining this huge following of readers and being offered the chance to publish a book like Hyperbole and a Half. I know that’s unlikely, but I’m really going to keep riding this wave. It’s nice to be at least sort of excited about something again.

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