As much as I liked my old website and its highly minimalist look, it was broken in some ways, hard to navigate, and did not show off my photos and paintings.  So I spent the last few days trying out new themes, customizing them, tossing them, and finally settling on what you see here.

And I am so chuffed about it, I really am.  Actual pride isn’t something I feel very often, so when it happens, I take note of it and try to soak it in so I remember.  Right now, I’m quite proud of myself.  This doesn’t just represent a few days worth of work, it’s really about 17 years worth of work, which is how far back my posts in this blog go: over 150 of them.  This site and its content represent a staggering amount of personal observation and analysis over the course of those 17 years and ranging across a spectrum of mental disorders, from simple anxiety and depression to flat-out mania and psychosis.  They tell my story.

Somehow I am still here, above ground and breathing, thinking, reading, and creating in an effort to process all of that information and make something good out of it.  Over the last few years, I have truly learned what it means to turn a disadvantage into an advantage.  Too much noise in the brain?  Express it somehow, either by writing, painting, or otherwise creating, keeping in mind that something as simple as planting seeds or repotting a plant is an act of creation.  I’ve found this to be an effective remedy for just about anything that’s bothering me.

It’s no surprise to me that I revamped my website on my birthday week, which doesn’t just represent the anniversary of my physical birth, but also the birth of my ‘new self’ when I chose a new name around this time last year.  This week also saw me take a number of real-world steps to solidify that new identity, and as a result, I am feeling much more, well, Me.  I’m still not entirely sure who that is yet, but I’m getting to know Her, and so far she’s pretty cool, although she’s still got a bit of a temper leftover from the ‘old self’.  She comes by it honestly, though, and we’re working on it.

In a way, I’m laying a new foundation for New Me out of the remaining positive building blocks left from Old Me, things like writing, reading, painting, gardening, birdwatching, walking, travel, philosophy, spirituality, mysticism, science, and of course, the ever-present Music.  This revamped website is the digital representation of those things, not just for other people, but for myself.  I feel like it’s also a digital representation of my transformation over the last several years: I’m different now, so my digital face should look different.

All of these things together mean I am feeling very “official” right now and not nearly so much in a state of limbo between who I was and who I’m becoming, and where I was living and where I live now.  I feel…solid.  While most birthdays pass without my feeling much, this birthday is different, like I gave myself a whole bunch of really great presents that were ephemeral in nature.  In that sense, they can never be taken away from me.

Being more New Me lets Old Me rest, which she deserves.  She worked hard and went through Hell to get me here, it’s time for her to fully retire.  I need to do some inner analysis to see if there’s anything else that needs doing in order for her to do that.  It’s good that there’s more distance between New Me and Old Me, it allows me to do any required analysis or processing with greater ease since things aren’t right up in my face.

In the meantime, I get to figure out what to do with the rest of my life, now that my kids are growing up and I’ve moved over 2000 miles, am becoming a new person, am going through menopause, and I’m not nearly as saddled with traumatic baggage as I was five years ago.  I still have a lot of work to do since I don’t completely know this New Me, but I’m hoping it’s a fun process, and I’ll be recording every major step and putting it here.  If you’re an Old Reader, thanks for sticking with me.  If you’re a New Reader, welcome, and I hope I keep your interest.

Namaste and Blessed Be

Rainy Phoenix Knight