As I was saying in a post last Saturday, there’s been a lot of crying lately, either out of frustration or out of sadness or out of whatever. Crying requires openness. I can’t be tightened up and still cry. Being sad about the cats lately has taught me that I have to open up and let go in front of other people, which is something that I have an extremely difficult time with. Most of the people who know me have known me for quite a long time, but in all likelihood have never seen me cry. I will engineer my life so that I express my sadness alone.
That’s not always possible, though, and it’s not always healthy. People need each other’s kindness when they’re sad. My daughter has seen me when I’m overcome with tears over the cats and she comes over and puts her arms around me, and it makes me feel better. I’m sure the reverse would be true if our roles were also reversed.
This all reminds me of something I read either in a Buddhist or a yoga magazine sometime recently about meditation and how it opens you up. Someone had written in confused about the sad and even angry feelings their meditation practice had brought up in addition to the peace and calm. The answer was that meditation opened a person up to all of the sensitivities of emotion, not just the so-called positive ones. Meditation puts us in touch with all of the emotions that we’re sitting on, even the yucky ones that make us feel bad.
Sometimes, though, I feel those are the ones that have to be processed the most in order to let the ones that feel better to us, flourish and grow.* The former have been sat on for a reason: they don’t feel good! They just have to be dealt with, which means addressing how they got there in the first place. Depending on what it is, that might mean a whole host of difficulties ranging from the very minor to the life changing. No wonder we just push these things down and don’t want to meditate or do anything else that lets them bubble up. It’s hard to stay open. It feels vulnerable and dangerous.
The nice thing about meditation is that you don’t really have to DO anything with them. You just let them BE. You don’t have to judge them. You don’t have to judge yourself. Just simple acknowledgement is all that’s necessary, and the depth of that is up to you. A full analysis of the situation might be useful, or a simple, “Yep, that came up, it can go now, too,” might suffice as well. What happens next, remember: no judgment. That’s crucial and can be a huge stumbling block that can lead back to being closed.
My mantra at times like that is typically, “No one is judging me but myself.” Judgment is me trying to close myself back up, and I have to stay open if I want to grow. I also have to stay patient. It took a while to push some of that stuff down, it’s going to take a while to let it bubble back out. Those bubbles usually take the form of more tears, but that’s why I keep kleenex around when I’m doing deep spiritual or meditative work. I know I’ll be releasing a lot of stuff up from the muck, of which I’ll just have to be accepting, non-judgmental, and open to.
*the rest of this presumes you already have a steady meditation practice