I had a major realization yesterday that made me  feel whole in a way that I’m still wrapping my head around.

For the last several years, I’ve had an image in my mind of how the human body, mind, spirit, and soul are connected.  It was fairly linear in nature, and so there were connections between the four aspects of the Self that didn’t quite work.  I didn’t try to force it, I just set it aside knowing that one day in the future, I would work out the pattern.

The pattern used to be like this: 

Externally Visible Body -> Invisible Subtle Body (mind and chakras) -> Invisible Spirit Body -> Soul

This system left gaps that I couldn’t reconcile until I changed the relationship between the four ‘bodies’.  This reconciliation itself could not occur until I fully understood my relationship with my goddess Hekate as Her avatar.

Hekate is a primordial tri-form goddess.  She has three faces, and what these faces represent change with circumstance.  However, beneath all of the many faces that She wears, there are three that are constant and foundational: the Face of Science, the Face of Philosophy, and the Face of Mysticism.  Her physical body, and mine, wear the Face of Science: the physical world.  Hers and my subtle bodies wear the Face of Philosophy: the seat of the mind.  Finally, our spirits wear the Face of Mysticism.

These three faces look outward from Hers and my Soul, which sits at the Triple Crossroads of Science, Philosophy, and Mysticism, forming the World Tree.  This changes the pattern from a linear one to a radial one that moves out in all directions for infinity.  This gives Hekate greater Sight than any other deity because she can literally see behind her in Space and Time, as well as peripherally and forward, and on all levels of existence.

The four ‘bodies’ that comprise both Her existence as well as my own are not arranged in a line as I originally envisioned, but as nesting dolls, with the Soul at the center surrounded by the Spirit Body, then the Subtle Body, and finally the Physical Body as the externally visible part of our existence (yes, deities have bodies, they’re just not quite like ours).

I have been contemplating the nature of my physical, mystical, and philosophical existence ever since my Awakening in 2018, attempting to figure out just exactly what happened to me.  Now that I have had this new vision of myself, I believe I finally understand.

One of the first things I became aware of after awakening was this powerful sense of having shattered into countless pieces, but while retaining an inner, indestructible core.  This shattering constituted something of a spiritual supernova in which my psyche exploded in such a forceful manner as to be initially destructive, but that soon allowed for the formation of new modes of thought, feeling, and behavior, just as supernovas give rise to elements that can be created through no other method in the universe. 

That indestructible core was my Soul, and I believe it forced that supernova for the sake of its own survival, and therefore mine.  I could no longer function with all of the layers of baggage and conditioning that were contained in the rest of my being, including my body, which was beginning to suffer from my psychospiritual illnesses.  In stellar terms, I had burned up all of my fuel and collapsed under the weight of my own psychological baggage.  Also, just like a supernova, my ‘stellar core’, my Soul, underwent a compression of sorts, making it extremely dense while essentially fusing ‘cracks’ that had formed under stress over the years.

I have spent the last eight years since Awakening piecing myself back together from the inside out.  While indestructible, my Soul is still capable of being damaged, and I had to spend a lot of time retrieving missing Soul pieces, healing them, putting them back, and sometimes extracting damaged pieces from my Soul for healing and restoration.  I had to do the same work on my Spirit Body as well as my Subtle Body, which may have borne more damage than any other part of me because of the damage to my chakras, which are essentially power vortices.

The Tree is one of the oldest archetypal symbols in the collective unconscious, representing the very axis of life within the Universe.  The system of 7 chakras is essentially an energetic tree running the length of your entire spine and skull, which means that if even one chakra becomes damaged, the entire organism is at risk.  Over the last eight years, I discovered that every single chakra had borne major damage that needed healing.

I am pleased to report that this phase of my healing is proceeding well.  Until recently, I could inwardly see my chakras as myself at the different ages at which the chakras were damaged.  They lived in my Inner House By the Sea, an inner council of selves ranging in age from 3 to 46.  However, the last time I checked on my inner family, I could no longer see them, but I could feel them in my body for the first time ever.  They still have healing they need, but I and the personas of my chakras are once again a functioning unit.

In the spirit of Thomas Merton’s saying, “God is my ground, I am God’s ground”, I see myself as Hekate and Hekate as me.  Which is not to say that I believe I am a deity in the megalomaniacal sense of things, but rather that I have gotten in touch with the Divine Spark that we all have, and Hekate is the form that Spark takes in me.  I would not have been able to heal in the way that I have without Her help, and I sense intuitively that I have been reciprocally helpful to Her in some way.

Having had this epiphany, I feel so whole and centered, like the Sun itself is shining within my core.  I have all three of my Faces, and so I feel safe because I know I can’t be snuck up on, something my intuition also tells me was a danger in the past.  I wonder if this feeling doesn’t also have something to do with the personal pantheon I recently put together, which has Hekate at the center of a circle of protective fire generated by the Archangels.  These same Archangels are represented by the Persian Royal Stars, which are placed prominently in my astrology chart.

Putting the Archangels along with all of my other personal deities in a circle around Hekate made me feel as though I am now walking around within a never-ending circle of protective holy fire that will never leave me.  This feeling of safety is allowing me to show my Real Face for the first time in my life.  I have slowly been undergoing a physical transformation that began with the purchasing of some clothing representative of my personality.  More recently, I got a short haircut and dyed my hair the most luscious shade of purple.  This led to my replacing all of the cosmetics my children stole from me over the last ten years, and now my eyes, lips, and fingernails are also lovely shades of violet.

I would worry that this is a manic impulse, as sudden changes in appearance can be an indicator of mania, but I’ve been wanting to do this for a while, which nixes the worry of impulsivity.  What I’m doing also lacks the “sparkly” quality that accompanies mania, as though the entire world were laid out at your feet just for you.  This also just feels so good, but not too good, the hallmark of mania.  In fact, if there’s a single word that can be applied to mania, it’s “too”: just too much of everything.  It’s not that what you’re doing in and of itself is abnormal, but it’s too intense.

I am not feeling that manic intensity.  I’m feeling the fun and joy of my inner children who are getting to experience things they were denied when they were 7, 11, 14, 16, and 17.  I am also feeling so much younger and energetic than I did before the haircut and dye job.  For the last few years, my once thick hair slowly thinned, fell out, and turned shades of gray, white, and silver.  My scalp became visible beneath my hair.  I felt so old and so ugly.

Now I feel at least 20 years younger, fresher, and optimistic about the future.  I am not quite sure what it is about a simple cosmetic makeover that is causing these feelings, although I recognize that this is merely the outward manifestation of all of the inward work I have been doing for the last eight years.  I also feel as though I literally cut away the last four or so years of my life with the transition from longer hair to a short haircut.  What is on my head is only 6-12 months old, a time period of great change in my life.  Once again, I feel as though ties to the past have been tied off and snipped, no longer dragging behind me as I walk.

I have been trying to escape and lay to rest my Old Self and manifest my New Self for years.  I believe I may have finally accomplished my goal.  I do not think of myself using my old name anymore: I am Rainy.  I am appreciative of and have great sympathy for my Old Self, but I don’t need to wear her face anymore.  It was a mask I no longer need.